As we return to the start of a brand-new year, with new goals, new habits and new rules, there is the familiar sensation of déjà vu.

Some of us have been here before, year after year, firing on all cylinders in January, spluttering by February and dead in the water by March – new goals, new habits and new rules gone with the wind in the change of a season.

As my exasperated gym instructor told me: “You have commitment issues – I am writing it in your notes”.  Ouch.  The truth hurts, and so a dose of resilience is what is required. Thankfully, the new year represents new beginnings and allows us another fresh start to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.

How to change behaviours

While it is challenging to implement new habits and routines that serve us well, it is equally challenging to change or eliminate repeated habits and behaviours that don’t serve us well; and even more challenging when our new behaviours involve other people.   A question I am often asked in my mentoring work is: “How do I change the behaviour of others?” The answer is simple. We cannot.  I apologize in advance if this revelation comes as a shock.

Once you have gathered your composure, had a cup of tea and a lie down, and are suitably ready to receive the good news:   There is something else you can do.

“You can’t change others. You can only change yourself. But that will change how others respond to you.” ― Springwolf

You can change yourself by changing how you respond to the behaviour of others.  In turn, how you respond will change their response and their behaviour towards you.

The way to achieve this is through the art of conversation and the skill of assertive communication.

The dance of communication

In his 2011 book, The Secret Life of Prounouns: What Our Words Say About Us, Pennebaker says:

“Conversations are like dances. Two people effortlessly move in step with one another, usually anticipating the other person’s next move. If one of the dancers moves in an unexpected direction, the other typically adapts and builds on the new approach. As with dancing, it is often difficult to tell who is leading and who is following in that the two people are constantly affecting each other.”

To provide an example that explains this metaphor further….I overheard part of a dialogue in a café queue recently, and the person was lamenting about a tricky situation that he would like to change, but he said “it would require other people to change”.   I assumed he felt powerless, as though he had no control over the situation because he sighed and said “I know I cannot change other people”.

The queue moved forward, I ordered my coffee and we all moved on with our lives, but my eavesdropping got me thinking.   I wondered whether it had previously occurred to him, that he was absolutely in control of changing his metaphorical dance with others.

“If one of the dancers moves in an unexpected direction, the other typically adapts and builds on the new approach”

What tools, skills and approaches could the café queue stranger apply in order to empower himself, gain control,  ‘move in an unexpected direction’ and have others adapt to his new approach?

• ‘Dance’ Step 1: He could make a decision to consistently practice the art of conversation and the skill of assertive communication.
• ‘Dance’ Step 2: He could take the initiative, be assertive and ‘lead the dance’ in the direction in which he wanted the situation to go, subsequently changing the behaviour of others in the process.
• ‘Dance’ Step 3: Not only would he have to be assertive and make the initial move, but he would also need to follow through and be consistent with his new steps to allow the other people in this communication dance to learn his new dance moves.

Consistency is key.  Consistency builds trust. Consistency means others know what to expect from you, and they can predict how you will respond to their steps.

Two distinct communication skill sets

It helps to understand that there are two distinct communication skill sets to learn:

• how to meet the needs of others
• how to meet our own needs.

Communication to meet our own needs

There are a number of key skills required to meet our own needs, but two skills deserve initial attention.  They are (1) appropriate self-assertion and (2) the use of ‘I’ messages for owning statements that we make.

Communication-behaviour styles

It also helps to consider that communication and behaviour falls broadly into 4 categories: passive; aggressive; assertive and passive-aggressive, also known as indirect communication.

The best communication style to develop is an assertive style

Assertiveness is a way of behaving that potentially helps us to function more effectively in work and life.  As assertive communication style encourages positive relationships with others and helps us gain confidence to achieve our own potential.

Research conducted by Alberti & Emmons (1975) has shown conclusively that assertiveness impacts self-worth.  A person’s ability to take individual initiative and feel that they have control of a situation, reduces levels of anxiety and stress in a key situation and increases a sense of self-worth as a person. This same sense of self-worth is lacking in people who are passive, aggressive or indirect in their behaviour and communication.

The process of socialization

Part of the reason why we find practicing assertive behaviour and communication so difficult, is because these learned behaviours and skills are closely linked in the socialization process.  We naturally want to be liked by others, and so we often choose a way of behaving and communicating that is socially expected by others and that results in some level of ‘success’.

It is important to note that ‘success’ has different meanings for different situations and different people. For example, success may mean:

• getting what we want
• avoiding unpleasantness
• staying safe
• feeling strong and powerful
• other people like us
• other people feel grateful and friendly towards us

Whatever our motivation is, if we are getting something out of it, we are likely to repeat the pattern and behave that way again.

Patterns of behaviour

Much like dance steps have a pattern to them, we play out patterns of behaviour and patterns of communication from first-hand experiences and from the role models we observe.  At first, we learn from those closest to us – parents, siblings, teachers; and later we learn from people we meet in our adult lives – socially and in the workplace.

Once we have learned and developed a pattern of behaviour and communication, it is often difficult to change, however, it is possible to change if we want to.

I imagined the person in the café queue did want to change, and so I envisioned him assertively dancing off into the bright, blue yonder wearing his newfound metaphorical dance shoes together with his newly learned communication skills; when I suddenly returned to the real world and remembered that I was still struggling to change my own ‘commitment issue’ dilemma with my assertive gym instructor.

The importance of discipline and daily routines and practices

I felt a niggly feeling of self-doubt about whether I was sufficiently equipped to follow through on my own intended new habits and routines for the year and make the necessary changes.   What was I missing?  What other tool, skill set, approach is needed to assist with consistency?   Of course!  The discipline of daily practice.  Glaringly obvious now that I see it printed in black and white, but in my defense, I am a slow learner.

“You will never change your life until you change something that you do daily. Improvement is based on two things: the decisions we make; and the disciplines we practice. Acting on our decisions daily is what makes a goal a reality. So identify the disciplines you intend to practice on a daily basis.”

Whatever changes – big or small – that we decide to implement in our lives, having a vision and a plan is not enough.  Our plan must be accompanied by consistency and daily action if we intend to reap the results.  One small step at a time.

Change is never easy but if there is a strong will to change, there is most definitely a way to realise the transformational change we seek in our lives.

© Gaynor Clarke, January 2023

Gaynor is a teacher educator and teacher mentor facilitating leadership & wellbeing development for teachers.

If you are an early childhood teacher or leader looking to enhance your leadership skills, I would love to work with you. As a leadership mentor and coach, I specialize in helping early childhood educators develop their leadership potential and make a positive impact for the ākonga they serve. If you are interested in learning more about my leadership mentoring services, please visit my website or contact me directly to schedule a consultation. I would love to work with you!

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